SA2

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A young girl finds out that her father was not her biological father. Upset that her mother lied to her, she goes through desperate measures to find her biological father only to be disappointed. After her mother’s bicycle accident, an over the hill playboy, hippy mother, and naive daughter get beyond their pre-conceived expectations about what a family is supposed to be; ultimately become the family they wanted after all.

Change of Heart
By Holly Goldberg Sloan

SARA MATHEWS 40’s, rides her bike on the way to work at a funky bookstore called the BOOKWORM through the streets of Berkley, California. Meanwhile RACHAEL MATHEWS 17 is in biology class argues with her teacher about her blood type. Realizing her father is not her biological father, leaves school to confront her mother.

JOSH SUNBERG walking in the school hallway collides with Rachael but she rushes past him and out the school doors. Rachael has coffee with her mother, who explains that after CHARLEE died of Cancer, she used a sperm bank have a baby in his memory. Now obsessed to find her father, Rachael looks through the yellow pages for sperm banks, and finds BAY AREA CRYOBANK. The next day arriving with Josh, Rachael urges Josh to be a donor so she can get a better look at her birth records. Reluctant, Josh agrees. Rachael talks to DR. STEMPOLIS. He confides that most of the donors come from the University.

Watching TV, Rachael sees a commercial at a car dealership as HAL JACKSON late 40’s is coaxing people into his car dealership. At the DMV the next day, Rachael lies to get information about her unknown father. Arriving at the car dealership Rachael remembers seeing it in the TV commercial. Rachael confronts Hal, but he wants nothing to do with her. At home, Rachael makes dinner for Sara, telling her, she found her father but he is a jerk, and wants her to know she is the best mother. (good summation of first act)

Alone in her bathroom, Sara reminisces as she stares at childhood pictures. Deciding to meet Hal the next morning, Hal tries to sell her an automobile until he realizes she is Rachael’s mother. Josh and Rachael arrive at the dealership almost at the same time. Seeing her mother’s bicycle, Rachael barges into Hal’s office. Now, the three of them sit there in his office looking at each other. Hal pours Sara a drink to help calm her nerves. Sara leaves on her bike and Rachel on her scooter. Second guessing himself, Hal gets into his truck and follows Sara. He makes Sara get into his truck because she has been drinking and takes her home.

The next day Hal sits on an elephant at his car dealership doing a commercial but he forgets to replenish his pockets with peanuts to feed the elephant. The elephant mistakenly takes his cigarette for a peanut and burns his mouth. He takes off on a run taking Hal along until he finds a lake to take a plunge. (Good! Many miss elephant gag – important as example of broader humor) Walking back, Hal is drenched and embarrassed. Rachael offers her shoulder to cry on if he ever needs someone to talk to; but Hal pushes her away. On her way back, Rachael meets DIEGO, one of Hal’s mechanics. He asks her out on a date. Later, almost forgetting it is his birthday; Hal finds himself at the Bookworm watching Sara leave for home. He comes to the house carrying presents for the girls. Inside Sara receives a bicycle helmet for her safety, and Rachael a book of maps with a personal inscription from him.

As Rachel gets ready for her date; the doorbell rings and it is Josh, it rings again and Hal walks in. The door bell rings again and Diego arrives to pick up Rachael. But, Diego finds himself sitting in the movie house with Hal, Sara, Josh, and Rachael. Later Hal and Sara find themselves alone. They make love. Later that night, Hal and Sara hear Rachael opening the front door and rush to put their clothes on. Hal quickly leaves. Arriving at home Hal sees Stacy and Bruce talking. Bruce leaves, allowing Stacey to let her true feeling out. Hal feels the same way and tells her they are not right for each other.

Riding on her bike on a busy street in Berkley, Sara rushes past a car before a street light turns red, only to collide into a motorcycle sending her to the emergency room. Rachael searches franticly for her mother when she doesn’t come home. Finally she goes to Hal who calls the police. Arriving at the emergency room, Hal tells them that he is family and to try to save her leg. Now recovering Hal and Rachel spend all their time with Sara. The hospital asks Hal to give blood where he has them do a paternity blood test.

The following day at the hospital, Hal receives the blood tests results. Rushing past Sara’s hospital room he sits down in the waiting room and cries. Not able to accept the test results, he leaves finding solace in a nearby bar. Seeing Hal to drunk to drive, the barkeep takes his keys. Hal walks back to the hospital and gives Sara the news that he is not the father. Now in the parking lot, he walks back to his car to leave but realizes he has no keys. He sleeps it off in his truck until waking up at three in the morning. Arriving back at the hospital, he confesses to Sara that Rachael is wrong to say she needs him. He needs both of them. Now relieved, Sara and Hal lay together on her hospital bed as the song, California Dreaming plays in the background.
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Comments:

This script has no real commercial potential. There are too many inconsistencies lacking in details of realism in a family unit. The author needs to work at developing fulfilling requirements of each act, i.e. the setting up of deeper subplots, and building stronger, deeper character arc and execution. Author relies on dialogue to carry the plot, which, is slow at best and runs boring along falling flat. Rachael’s need is to find her biological father. As the three of them come together, a bike accident ultimately brings them together as a family unit. The plot and premise is predictable, contrived, and lacks urgency. There are holes in the author’s logic, i.e. do sperm banks allow young boys to be donors, and young girls to acquire or take their records to find their birth fathers? This script does however send a provoking message that you do not have to be the biological parent to be a parent.

The characters are one-sided and not fully developed due to lack of clear goals and strong needs. With rewrites and stronger character traits i.e. Rachael, who gives little in the way of deep emotional background, and lacks realistic emotions. If she would show more anger, push her views instead of passively accepting what Hal or her mother says or does, would make for a stronger character arc. And, Hal might be a stronger character if her were less passive. Hal should be more of a mans-man it is realistic and believable. The script carries too much descriptive character background, example: Hal, 40 has several days’ worth of beard stubble, a hangover, and could consider a haircut. Despite it all, looks great. And, leaving for work Rachael stands in Hal’s way until he asks her to join him and drives to work. This text could be shortened and still give appropriate visuals.

There is little heightened drama, except Hal’s receiving bad paternity test news. Key weaknesses are the need for deeper plots, melodrama, and execution. We want to be kept at the edge of our seats, not watching the rehash of other similar premises that rely on sentiment to carry a story along.

All characters are passive, too cute, and sometime annoying with no real humor integrated other than Hal’s elephant ride. If the elephant scene was funnier, maybe Sara could be there to witness or his girlfriend too, the real drama could start especially if the two women meet and start a catfight over Hal. The cameraman could catch it all on tape-that would be funny, dramatic, and keep us at the edge of our seats laughing.

The scripts final scenes of this script are the most beneficial as Hal turns his life around after having an identity crisis realizing he can’t live his life in a daze. Hal sobers up, takes responsibility for his life; only to find out he is not Rachael’s father after all-devastating him. Realizing that Hal needs them more than they do, makes Hal believable, honest, and realistic.

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Attached is another sample of a story analysis done by R. Garland